Found this article on Manure on a website....interesting and hunmourous piece of writing...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENTIAL:
Extract from UN report on the Republic of Manchester United.

RESOLUTION: We the Security Council, after having spent much time in consultations, intelligence work and rigorous media monitoring have reached the conclusion that Sir Alex Fergussein must be disarmed. In fact, the stated preference of the international community is that 'regime change' is affected in his secretive and isolated 'Evil Empire'.


BACKGROUND: After thirteen years unelected dictatorship, the behaviour of Sir Alex Fergussein is becoming increasingly erratic. After many years of threats, the blotchy maniac has this past weekend launched a vicious attack on his own people with a WPMD (Weapon of Post-Match Destruction), possibly 'Nike-lear'. This brutal action caused trillions of dollars worth of damage to one of the world's most valuable pieces of facial furniture and untold anxiety to an entire nation, terrified as to where he might strike next.

The actual sequence of events surrounding the damage to one of his most prized henchman's gorgeously trimmed eyebrow is yet to be made entirely clear. Dissident forces close to the bullyboy say that what really got to him was unavoidable reality: he had been outclassed fair and square by a superior power.

Unable to blame his humiliation on the shape of the battlefield, the fabric of the uniforms, or the suspicious aroma of garlic emanating from his opponents, he did what any self-respecting mad dictator would do: he threw his toys out of the pram and lashed out at whoever was nearest to him.

With such displays of aggression increasing in regularity and ferocity an assessment of his capacity has been urgently undertaken: chillingly, Fergussein is thought to have global reach:

France - It is thought that the rubicund martinet has the capacity to exact a devastating blow on Arsene Wenger. For years now it is thought that the crazed Scot has been harbouring a resentment that a manager has come along who is flat out better than he is. Many people predict a pre-emptive strike on Wenger, perhaps including calling him 'lucky' or suggesting that his players 'cheat' or in the event that these pathetic cheap shots fail to have any effect, slipping Irn Bru into Wenger's Chateau Pichon-Longueville.

Sweden - Sven Goran Eriksson is also a target for having the temerity to choose some of the Barking Weegie's players for the national team. It is believed that Fergussein is apoplectic at 'being singled out' for such 'outrageous and vindictive behaviour'. Possible means of retaliation might include 'unbelievable pettiness', 'juvenile petulance' or even 'pitiful toddleresque hanky-stamping'.

The Rest of the World - Fergussein is becoming increasingly paranoid. He holds the bizarre belief that everyone in the world hates him.

Not just that, he apparently believes that the strange and mysterious force that governs the whole of creation is also against him. He claims that this Unknowable Cosmic Force not only is reluctant to slow down time when United are losing with a minute to go, but is only too happy not to speed it up when they are winning in similar situations.

Increasingly, the earthly custodians of the Fourth Dimension ('referees') have been coming under relentless attack. It is feared that the purple-headed Gorbalian will soon move on from his current strategy of tapping his always 100 per cent copper-bottomed accurate 1973 Timex while mouthing threats and obscenities at officials. It is thought that he may even attempt the 'nuclear' option, i.e. breathing on said officials. As a precaution, large scale innoculations are being considered.
PROPOSED ACTION:
As the world is becoming increasingly alarmed at the behaviour of the Veiny-Cheeked Loon it is recommended that preemptive action is taken soon.

It has been remarked upon that Fergussein, in the established manner of an ageing despot (eg Yasser Arafat, Muammar Gaddhaffi, Robert Mugabe, Ken Bates, etc, etc) has been unwilling to nominate a successor.

With this in mind, we now feel that the time is right to recommend 'regime change' by either, encouraging an uprising against him from within, or kidnapping him in the tunnel at Old Trafford and whisking him off to the funny farm. This latter option is favoured by the Security Council on the basis of the following:


PSYCHOLOGICAL REPORT: Studies of absolutist rulers throughout history reveals that the longer they are in power, the more likely it is that they go totally beaky bongo. Fergussein seems to be entering the final phases: the rapid descent into second childhood. Having now thrown off most of the trappings of maturity (ability to take responsibility for one's actions, humility, equanimity, patience) it is now expected that he will start:

Bursting into tears whenever he isn't allowed to annex Brazil

Saying 'I'm not playing with you' to anyone he thinks might beat him

Rolling around on the floor, beating the carpet with clenched fists when he is told that it's probably time he stopped bloody whingeing for god's sake.

METHODS OF DISPOSAL: In the case of rapid escalation in the crisis, the CIA have developed some more drastic means of bringing the stand off to a resolution:

Induce cardiac arrest in target by repeated prolonged exposure to images of Shaun Goater.

Force ever-more chewing gum into target's mouth until the tennis ball sized blob of sludge starts slowly to obstruct his throat thus causing asphyxiation.

Dress target up as Alf Inge Haaland, then spin Roy Keane round three times, point him in the right direction and avert eyes from the scene of bloody destruction.

Finally United must on no account be allowed to fall into the hands of Fergussein's above mentioned psychotic gauleiter and fellow bestselling author Roy Keane.

It is feared if the scenery-chewing Celt takes over that it is likely that any WPMD flying at people's faces would be attached to a flailing leg.

The civilian casualties from the fallout of such an event, particularly amongst Japanese schoolgirls, are too hideous to contemplate. In fact, the Council recommends that only one man could unify the ethnic factions in a post-Fergussein environment and lead the club into the future it deserves.

That man is Alan Ball.

Please, God, let it be so.


Copyright © 2001 ESPN Internet Ventures