REMAKING CHINESE NEW YEAR

CNY's coming to a clsoe in another 7 days... So here's an article from my fave webby.. Talkin cock... hey itz their year afterall....

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As New Year is traditionally a time for renewal, and since Singapore has been on a campaign to remake itself, why not remake Chinese New Year itself? Especially for a year that, judging by its name, might be very prone to cockups.

So here are 8 lucky suggestions to improve the Year of the Rooster:


1. REMAKING HONGBAOS:

Let’s face it: the most irritating thing about CNY is having to give your hard-earned money to annoying chewren who’ll probably blow it all on Yu-Gi-Oh. This year, save money AND lives by telling all the kids that you’ve decided to give their hongbao money to tsunami victims instead. I’m sure they’ll understand.

If they don’t, the little monkeys don’t deserve the money anyway.

2. REMAKING COOKIES:

As part of our Healthy Lifestyle drive, the Gahmen should ban all the fatty, sugary, hi-carb New Year cookies. People should eat only Atkins-approved bak kwa.

3. REMAKING LION DANCES:

Is it just me, or do the lion costumes in traditional Chinese lion dances look NOTHING like actual lions? Not unless they kena the Queer Eye for a Straight Guy treatment. How can we call ourselves the Lion City with such sissyfied lions?

Lion dance troupes: when you go round doing the traditional thing of harassing shopkeepers for handouts, why not use real lions to dance around their front door? You’re likely to get bigger hongbaos from them if you do.

4. REMAKING WAXED MEATS:

Waxed lap cheong (Chinese sausages), waxed duck, waxed pork – waxed meats are bestsellers at Chinatown every New Year. But waxing is, like, so 20th century. Why not use electrolysis or laser? They’re much better hair removal techniques. Actually, why you want to eat all these hairy meats? Ee-yurr.

5. REMAKING THE CHINGAY PARADE:

In keeping with our conservative society, rename it the more family-friendly Chinstraight Parade.

6. REMAKING THE FESTIVE ATMOSPHERE:

Somebody could make a lot of money selling “Prosperity Headphones” – noise-cancelling earplugs that block out annoying sounds such as firecrackers, those “her sin nian, her sin nian, tong-tong-tong chiang”-type songs, and questions from your relatives about when you’re going to get married/why haven’t you given birth yet/how come you’re not as rich as cousin so-and-so/how did you get so fat in just one year, etc.

7. REMAKING YUSHENG:

Raw fish can be expensive. How to serve the so-called prosperity yusheng salad without damaging your own prosperity? Use less fish or buy a cheaper grade, but borrow a tip from the Japanese: put lots – lots! – of wasabi in your yusheng dressing. Your guests will naturally eat less, unless they want to pay through their nose.

8. REMAKING CHINATOWN:

Be honest: the “festive air” thing gets stale real fast when you’re caught in the rubbernecking crowds and stifling Singapore heat. Why not do a Bugis and just plonk a dome over Chinatown and air-con the whole place? In keeping with a more recent Singapore tradition, can rename it “Chinatownopolis”.

Here’s wishing you a hearty “Gong Ji Fa Cai” (“gong ji” being Mandarin for rooster) for the Year of the Cock!

This story was first published in URBAN magazine

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