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Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates. The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!" Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea. Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates.
Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea. Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!" The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest. In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!"
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During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad. That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion. The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.
Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. "Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape. Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right." Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..." "Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself "Aim..." "Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "
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Lance Corporal Ah Beng, Corporal Ahmad and Sergeant Arul were lost in the jungle. It was clear they would have to share responsibilities in order to survive. Sergeant Arul, as the most high-ranking soldier, took charge. "Ah Beng," said Sergeant Arul. "Ahmad and I will race ahead to see if there's any way out. We want you to stay behind here in the camp and take care of supplies for us. Can?" Ah Beng nodded, and Ahmad and Arul set out ahead. "Where's the bugger?" said Sergeant Arul, puzzled when there's no one around when they return. Where upon Ah Beng immediately jumped out of the bushes and yelled at both of them, "Supplies!" (Surprise!)
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What's the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy tales?
Ang-mor fairy tales begin with: "Once upon a time..."
Hokkien fairy tales begin with: "Lim Peh ka li kong..."
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Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?" Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!" The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..." At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa is peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Story 2: Ah Beng tiok Toto
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Ah Beng rushed in to his house and shouted for his wife, ” Lian, Ah Lian ah, quick, quick, pack your bags, ho say leow, I kanna Toto. One meellion lollars.” His wife, Ah Lian, came out of the kitchen, and asked, “Wah….this time song leow! Where should we go, ha? Should I pack for A-merry-ca or Chip Poon, ha…..?”.
“No,” said Ah Beng. “Just pack your bags and ka lim peh keong kan (f-off)”
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Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks, “Name a drink that begins with the letter ‘G’.”
The crowd shouts,”Gin! Gin!”. Others exclaim, “No, its Grape Juice!” Another smart aleck yells, “Alamak, Gatorade!”
Host : “Quiet please.”
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, “C’mon man, you think I need their help? I got more original answer : Gu ni!” (cow milk in hokkien)
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Three men, Ah Kaw, Ah Te, and Ah Beng were all sentenced to terms of life imprisonment for armed robbery. Upon reaching the prison, the chief warden told them, “Since you are going to be here for a very long time, you can bring into the cell whatever you wish. Just tell me and I’ll try to fulfil it.”
So Ah Kaw asked for a lifetime supply of cigarettes so he could drown his sorrows in smoke. Ah Te asked for a set of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica as he wanted to study his remaining life away, having never passed his UPSR. Ah Beng, however, asked for a lifetime supply of tampons.
The warden was puzzled and asked, “What do you need tampons for?”
Ah Beng replied: “Walau, you never watsh TV meh? They say you got tampons, you can go running, cycling, swimming……”
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A British soldier, a Malaysian soldier and a Singaporean soldier were running away from a group of Japanese soldiers and came to a deserted warehouse. The British saw some gunny sacks and thought that the they had no choice but to hide using the gunny sacks. So the three of them hid in the gunny sack and soon the Japs came into the warehouse.
The commander saw three suspicious looking sacks, went up to the first one with the Briton hiding in it and kicked it. The quick thinking Briton cried, “Meow, meow!”. The Jap commander, thinking it was only a cat, went to the other with the Malaysian inside, gave it a kick, and the Malaysian cried, “Woof, woof!”
Again, the Jap commander was tricked and moved on to the third, gave it a kick, at which the Singaporean cried out, “Kan ni na chee bye, who kick me hah?!?!?!”
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Ah Beng decided to start a business; an auto garage. He buy the best of car servicing equipment and manpower. Then Ah Beng waited that day for cars to arrive but no car entered their garage. Then he waited for 1 day, 2 days, a week for the car to arrive but no car came to their garage.
So Ah Beng called his friend and complain to his friend “I lonnoe why la no bisles one my mekenik sop”. Then his friend asked “Why? Hong chui (feng shui) no good ar?”.
Ah Beng instantly replied “What hong chui no good, my shop got nice number open at 8th floor lerrr!!!”
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One day, Ah Beng & Ah Seng were walking down the Chinatown when they saw something in their path. Wait!” cried Ah Beng. “Wat is tat huh?”
“Yah ho! Be carefool lo,” warned Ah Seng.
“Wat is it?” They approached the thing and looked at it very closely.
“Eee look like shit lah!” say Ah Beng.
“Hmmm….. smell like shit also!” say Ah Seng after taking a deep breathe.
Ah Beng then poked the thing with his one finger, raised the finger to his lips, tasted it and said, “Tastes like shit!”
Ah Seng pushed his finger right through the thing and stick out his tongue to lick. With confidence, he said, “Confirm is shit!”
Then they smiled at each other, “WAH! Heng ahhh we didn’t step on it.”
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War is going on between Malaysia and Singapore. Ah Beng was recruited as a runner to pass important messages from Singapore’s spies in Malaysia to the Singapore government. Halfway running in the forest, Ah Beng spotted a bunch of Malaysian troops and accidentally shouted “Ni na beh, Ma-lai-siah peng!!” and hides in the bushes.
The Malaysian army Corporal heard Ah Beng and alerted his troops. His right hand man started asking “How to look for him? Jungle so big” and the corporal replied “Rilek la, so easy.” The corporal stood in his position and shouted “BANG”.
Ah Beng came out and asked “Who call me???”
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