Post Funeral Thots - Day 14

Tink there are many pple whom I would like to thank for the past weeks.
Uncle Fong – For his wreath and his kind thots.
PK – For smsing me early in the morning upon receipt of the news
Fey - for reassuring that I m not alone
PT – for being there for wat it matters
n2s – for helping me on the first day

Young – for dispensing professional advise on money matters

Rainne – for the cheese cakes which were delicious enuff to make my dead taste buds alive

Gavin – for spending the whole of thurday nite and Friday early morning with me

Elvin - for coming over in the dead of the nite with supper and essentials

Esmund – for the thot of supper for my entire family

Geoff – for coming at first notice.

Gerald & Emma – for coming to the cremation and witnessed my breaking moments.
Issac – for the concern shown.

Ron – for coming down and helping me with your presense

Shirls – for being there when it counts

Nicole – for waiting there while I go thru the monotonous rituals

Meina & Liena – for the cute brown sheep and the card.

And many many others who were not mentioned at all in this post. I am truly grateful for the gifts and concern showered upon me.

I understand I might be going through a tough time right now. At times I just wished all this si a bad dream which I can wake up and still hear my mum shouting at my dad to stop smoking.

But this is not meant to be.

He is gone.

To a better place, some say.
To me, the passing is just a passing.

Though I am physically well and all, my emotional state has yet to find peace within.
I have been unable to sleep well and eat regularly. Sometimes I binge, sometimes I starve. I sometimes wish to drop everything and take off. All these is taking a toll on my work.

This marks another week of irrational sleeping hours and changing appetites.

I'm still standing physically but find it very tough to stand up tall enuff to withstand the winds and blows.
I have very little inspiration to write much. Writing used to make me feel better; now it just feels like more work, since I know that it's not actually going to fix any of the things that I don't like about my life. Before it was like an outpouring, just like tears. I keep hoping to rekindle the habit, but it hasn't happened yet.

Obviously.

There have been bright spots; I survived the past 14 days of my dad’s death, although I am still grappling with many other monetary and family issues. Many of my frenz tell me to come to terms with the grief and let the tears flow. Which I simply refused to.. or the tear glands are simply not working well.

I've got more of the head-down-and-push-on-through quality of my forefathers than I might like. And I've surrounded myself almost entirely, if not by choice, with people whom are ignorant of his death or do not know of the hurt I have inside. I tried to be in huge crowds but they failed to get me going. the memories faded for a few hours but come rushing back often in the still of the night. No matter wat others say, the grieving still hurts. And the tears wont fall.

It's as if the tears can only be unleashed for and by those who knew him.

I went to visit "the grave" on Monday evening, alone. It was the 14th day of his death I felt weak and tired in the columbarium in the temple upon seeing his photo and urn.

Yet the tears still din flow.

I took a cab back home and promptly fell asleep into deep slumber till this morning.

So wat does it feel like to be at the end of the Rainbow.

A pot of gold? Found some elves ? or even a magic genie ?

Everything is nothing but a farce through a passing.

Truly, Madly Deeply.