At this juncture, my thots flittered to my mum.
A strong woman whom i knew as the disciplinarian in the family.
But i saw her often crying in the nights of the funeral when she helps to clean the altar.
i remember her silent tears.
It was those which broke my heart.
These tears that trickle down her cheeks
These tears that got wiped away by those hands
Those hands which brought me up
I was silent... with fear and apprehension
I felt a need to hug her... but i never did it
i felt an immense sense of guilt...
i remembered in my wayward days. I never loved my parents. Though i wouldnt condone wat others would say of my parents but i din love them. I just felt that they were too far apart from me and they did not understand me and all they did was to pass me money.
I remembered one incident vividly, i came home in the afternoon after school to pack my bags and to go stay with my then GF. I never returned home till 1 year later. Thru out these time, my parents would call my pager and leave me voicemails. I never replied. Not 1, not even 1.
I was such a bad kid.
Fast forward to year 2000 , i was gg to come out of army. I had a successful application to go UK for my degree. My parents said no. I was insistent but they came down very hard and said no. That nite i cried very hard... My dad approached me and told me, he knows that if i go, i would never return again. I was appalled at his thot but i kept silent. A rage grew in me. My mum came by and talked to me. She told me of Dad's health and other string of reasons. I was finally convinced to stay for the sake of my father and my mother. I made a choice to spend more time with them.
Going thru the next 5 years was a pain... I grew more and mroe bz at my work. I became a frequent traveller. I became almost an equivalent of my boss at work. I became further away from the very reason i stayed behind in singapore.
I asked myself again why was i doing wat i was doing.
My dad's health took a turn for the worst in 2005-2006. He has to be admitted to a nursing home.
I was devastated and completely helpless.
All these while.. my pillar of support dissappeared slowly and my visit to him increased as my guilt did.
I saw a healthy man turning into a weak feeable old man with sunken cheekbones and loose skin.
The nail in the coffin finally came, my last visit to him, he called out to me to look out for his son to visit him. in his words, "Help me look out for Ah Siong. He's bringing me a Tau Pau"
i cried.
On 31 July at lunch time, my HP rang, seeing my mum's HP, i thot she's gonna ask m if i wanted dinner.. i was tinking to myself, isnt it too early..
Her voice seems shakey ,"Siong, Nursing Home just called. Papa past away"
I was stunned. I just bought my subway and wanted to sit down and eat with my manager and colleague.. I broke the news to them.. i tabaoed my food..wanted to eat on my way there...
The lunch was left behind on my desk.
The memories would never fade.
I would live on for the sake of my mother.
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