ANTI MANURE

Q) What is the difference between a hedgehog and Old Trafford........
A) On a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside !!

Q) What is the difference between David Beckham and God?
A) God doesn't think he is David Beckham.

Q: How many Manchester Utd. fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the "1997 lightbulb changing" commemorative T-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.

Q: Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at Old Trafford?
A: It's the only place in the world with no atmosphere!

Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and Man United?
A: OJ Simpson had some sort of a defence!

Q: How do you confuse a Manchester United fan?
A: Show him a map of Manchester.

Q: How do you kill a Man Utd fan when he's drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head!

Q: How do you stop a Man Utd fan from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head

Q: How do you stop a Man Utd fan from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he falls in

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Fergie was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"
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A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd. were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday
today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with
pain when the punishment was done.

The Man Utd. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes
before the whip went through again.

The Liverpool fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Liverpool fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. "The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks. "Please tie the Man Utd. fan to my back."
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One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Man United fan all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighboring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge. They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn.

The Hindu and the United fan were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the United fan and the Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

The United fan grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.
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Four football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different team in the premiership and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of their football team. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top.

The Arsenal fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Gooners!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Newcastle fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for the Magpies!"

Seeing this, the Liverpool fan walked over and shouted "This is for the true Reds and everyone!" and pushed the Man United fan off the side of the mountain.


(ED: For those who read to the end... a picture of ur R and R)