Every National Day, we've always reminded of the big deeds and events that have made us the successful, orderly and clean nation that we are. But what about the many small incidents that have also contributed to making us the kiasu, petty and just downright irritating folks we live with on a day-to-day basis? TalkingCock.com & Coxford Singlish Dictionary editor COLIN GOH bring us an honour roll of dubious but no less influential moments in Singapore's post-independence history?
10 August 1965: The day after independence, the first Malaysian joke is told by Mr. Joe Kheng Onn Lee to his friends at a coffee shop around Shenton Way. The exact nature of the joke has been lost in antiquity, though it is believed to have something to do with the number of people needed to change a lightbulb.
28 August 1965: Siglap resident and band member Mr. Cedric Bonaventura De Rozario is the first person to have his race classified as others? under the new identity card programme.
22 September 1967: Newly returned from his doctoral studies in Adelaide, scientist and future politician Dr. Tony K.Y. Tan discovers the marvels of Code 10 hair cream.
3 January 1968: Staff Sergeant Hara Singh starts a National Service tradition by being the first to punish a recruit by ordering him to run towards a distant tree, touch it and then come back.
25 January 1971: Mr. Sukar bin Mohd Bulu becomes the first person to be served last in a government office under the Anti-Long Hair policy of the 70s. Traumatized by the discrimination, Mr. Sukar founds the popular Sri Rambut chain of barbers.
11 November 1971: Quitters? make their first appearance when John Denver's Country Roads? storms the local pop charts and leads hundreds of Singaporeans to plead for country roads to take them home to the place they belong, i.e. West Virginia.
30 April 1975: Mr. Quah Lang Gah is the first person to take down the licence plate numbers of cars involved in an accident and play them in the lottery.
2 March 1977: Balik kampung? is shouted by Singapore supporter Mr. Haji Pulang bin Rumah for the first time during a Malaysia Cup match at the Kallang Stadium. Malaysia eventually acceded to his popular plea in 1994 by deciding to keep the M-League entirely within Malaysia, thus excluding Singapore. A remorseful Mr. Haji Pulang has now decided to stick to shouting referee kayu? instead.
4 October 1979: Mr. Chia Teck See is the first cabbie to deliberately hide till past 12 am, in order to be able to charge passengers the past-midnight surcharge.
21 September 1982: Miss Ho Pai Kuah becomes the first Singaporean to construct a stuffed toy diorama in the back window of her car. She later goes on to become the first person to drape t-shirts over her car seats. She feels aggrieved that she has yet to receive a Cultural Medallion nomination for her contributions to the local arts scene.
25 December 1983: The first function? is held at a specially-booked RELC conference room by 15 year-olds Depeche Seiko de Spandau and Akina Taylor de Duran (born Chee Nah Beng and See Bay Lian respectively).
5 July 1984: Mr. Khee Chiam Ban is the first person to be caught on tape urinating in a lift.
13 May 1985: Mr. Chee Ter Bak is the first Singaporean convicted of only folding back the tabs on car park coupons and re-using them.
4 March 1988: Mr. Khoon Buay Kee is the first Singaporean MRT commuter to pretend to be asleep when a pregnant woman enters the carriage.
20 June 1989: The first ever karaoke wedding is organized by Mr & Mrs Theah Kao Hsien.
14 June 1989: Mr. Lao Ter Koh, 89, is the first person to purchase a ticket to see an R(A) movie.
28 February 1990: Mrs. Sevasita Chopalingam is the first Singaporean to use a tissue paper packet to chope? (reserve) a seat. She performs the act at Newton Hawker Centre, but goes on to repeat it at various other food courts, the Victoria Concert Hall, and also to save her spot in an overnight line to buy a condo.
17 March 1996: Mr. Boey Pai Say becomes the first hawker to attach the adjective Famous? to his stall's name, despite the lack of independent corroboration about the popularity of his food.
4 November 1997: Much to the horror of his employees, confectionery store owner Mr. Baey Ker Lee decides on a whim to try mixing pork floss with mayonnaise.
22 August 1999: Technopreneur Ng Yah Hu manages to secure $250,000 in venture capital for his new economy business plan, which consists entirely of choping the domain name e-iB2Bbiznet.com.sg and then reselling it.
12 May 2000: Inspired by a WITS meeting at his reservist unit, Mahmud Sejenis bin Quehdada returns to his stall at West Coast Hawker Centre and invents the first ever plaster prata ? an innovation that sparks off the creation of the paper prata, the tissue prata, the twin-ply prata and the origami prata, making Singapore the hub for prata innovation. Mr. Mahmud also claims to be the first to put cheese in prata, but his contention is disputed by fellow prata practitioners.
28 November 2002: Smallest maid's room ever designed by local architects Frank Loy Lai & Partners.
10 August 2003: In celebration of Singapore's more liberal social scene, Mr. Ho Say Leow, 23, is the first person to simultaneously bungee jump, dance on a bar top and chew gum. He is also gay.
http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001-2003. All rights reserved.
September 6, 2003
We bring you this song in honour of the water dispute between Singapore and Malaysia, sung to the tune of Allan Sherman's Ello Muddah, Hello Faddah?...
Hello people of Malaysia
You must learn the right behaviour
Never raise our cost of water
3 sen is just right
Well, kinda ... sorta ....
We don't have much
of this liquid
So its ok ? if we make profit
We just sell it to our people
They don't make no fuss
Cause they're so feeble.
And now comes the new invention
The source is shhh ... beyond mention!
All I say is flush the toilet
And you get New Water and there's no need to boil it.
Give me more oh please Mahathir
We don't like to drink the gutter
Or the toilet water, even though its been
Through two filtrations and a UV screen
So its causing a great headache
All the lawyers are in the Hague
Now we're doomed or really are we?
Maybe we should wait and call Badawi.
(lyrics by Cockan Roll, sung to the tune of Allan Sherman'S Ello Muddah, Hello Faddah? Copyright 1963)
http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001-2003. All rights reserved
Hello people of Malaysia
You must learn the right behaviour
Never raise our cost of water
3 sen is just right
Well, kinda ... sorta ....
We don't have much
of this liquid
So its ok ? if we make profit
We just sell it to our people
They don't make no fuss
Cause they're so feeble.
And now comes the new invention
The source is shhh ... beyond mention!
All I say is flush the toilet
And you get New Water and there's no need to boil it.
Give me more oh please Mahathir
We don't like to drink the gutter
Or the toilet water, even though its been
Through two filtrations and a UV screen
So its causing a great headache
All the lawyers are in the Hague
Now we're doomed or really are we?
Maybe we should wait and call Badawi.
(lyrics by Cockan Roll, sung to the tune of Allan Sherman'S Ello Muddah, Hello Faddah? Copyright 1963)
http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001-2003. All rights reserved
If you thought Can I be your fran??,Can? to register for flat?? or Eskew me, are you a model?? were bad, you ain't seen nothin? yet!
TOP 20 ALL-TIME MOST CONDEMNED SINGAPOREAN PICKUP LINES
1. Can I buy you a glass of Newater?
2. Hello, Kitty.
3. Didn't I see you last week at SDU Headquarters/Communicable Disease Centre/Desker Road?
4. Hi, I am an entrepreneur and I think we can do big business with each other.
5. Weren't you in a slimming center/Oxy 10/hair weaving ad?
6. Would you like to come with me to a Young PAP meeting?
7. Can I borrow your EZ Link card? Because I want to take you places.
8. I am an NSF on a mission. Can you tell me how to topo to your house?
9. Xiao Meimei, yao chi tang ma? (Mandarin for little girl, want some candy??)
10. I am on a PSC scholarship for love, and I want to be bonded to you.
11. Come up to my place and I'll show you my collection of bubble tea straws.
12. Hi, I am a local talent.
13. Lets go to my house and watch reruns of V.R. Man.
14. Hurry up, go out with me. I only put 50 cent coupon.
15. I want to be quarantined? with you. (alternatively: Going out with you will make me break my quarantine.)
16. Eh, your wedding ring real or not, ha?
17. Go out with me, lah. I promise to give you part of my liver.
18. I am a stayer, not a quitter.
19. My handphone is smaller than his.
20. I got 4 A stars, you know.
TOP 20 ALL-TIME MOST CONDEMNED SINGAPOREAN PICKUP LINES
1. Can I buy you a glass of Newater?
2. Hello, Kitty.
3. Didn't I see you last week at SDU Headquarters/Communicable Disease Centre/Desker Road?
4. Hi, I am an entrepreneur and I think we can do big business with each other.
5. Weren't you in a slimming center/Oxy 10/hair weaving ad?
6. Would you like to come with me to a Young PAP meeting?
7. Can I borrow your EZ Link card? Because I want to take you places.
8. I am an NSF on a mission. Can you tell me how to topo to your house?
9. Xiao Meimei, yao chi tang ma? (Mandarin for little girl, want some candy??)
10. I am on a PSC scholarship for love, and I want to be bonded to you.
11. Come up to my place and I'll show you my collection of bubble tea straws.
12. Hi, I am a local talent.
13. Lets go to my house and watch reruns of V.R. Man.
14. Hurry up, go out with me. I only put 50 cent coupon.
15. I want to be quarantined? with you. (alternatively: Going out with you will make me break my quarantine.)
16. Eh, your wedding ring real or not, ha?
17. Go out with me, lah. I promise to give you part of my liver.
18. I am a stayer, not a quitter.
19. My handphone is smaller than his.
20. I got 4 A stars, you know.
This is one of the best joke which relates to our continuous strive to improve quality levels and have customer satisfaction.
Enjoy reading....
Last week, we took some friends out to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a very famous International Consulting Firm, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," the waiter said. I was rather impressed. Then I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the
waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
My curiosity got the better of me and, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why have that string right there?" "Not everyone is as observant as you," the waiter replied. "That consulting
firm I mentioned also found that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?" I asked.
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and, that way, eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked. "Well," he whispered, lower his voice, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Enjoy reading....
Last week, we took some friends out to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a very famous International Consulting Firm, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," the waiter said. I was rather impressed. Then I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the
waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
My curiosity got the better of me and, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why have that string right there?" "Not everyone is as observant as you," the waiter replied. "That consulting
firm I mentioned also found that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?" I asked.
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and, that way, eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked. "Well," he whispered, lower his voice, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Names Of GOD
01. Elohim : It describes God's greatness and glory; It displays God's power and sovereignty.
02. Jehovah : It means "to be," or "being."
03. EL Shaddai : God is shown as the One Who is more than enough - He Who is all sufficient.
04. Adonai : It means "Master, Owner, or Lord."
05. Jehovah Jireh : Jehovah Who is our provider.
06. Jehovah M'Kaddesh : Jehovah Who sanctifies
07. Jehovah Nissi : Jehovah, my Banner
08. Jehovah Rophe : Jehovah heals
09. Jehovah Shalom : Jehovah Who gives wholeness, completeness and peace
10. Jehovah Tsidkenu : Jehovah, our Righteousness
11. Jehovah Rohi : Jehovah, my Shepherd
12. Jehovah Shammah : Jehovah is there
13. EL Elyon : The God Most High
14. Jehovah Tsebaoth : The Lord of Hosts
15. Jehovah Makkeh : The Lord, our Smiter
16. Jehovah Gmolah : The Lord of Recompenses
17. Jehovah Elohay : The Lord, my God
01. Elohim : It describes God's greatness and glory; It displays God's power and sovereignty.
02. Jehovah : It means "to be," or "being."
03. EL Shaddai : God is shown as the One Who is more than enough - He Who is all sufficient.
04. Adonai : It means "Master, Owner, or Lord."
05. Jehovah Jireh : Jehovah Who is our provider.
06. Jehovah M'Kaddesh : Jehovah Who sanctifies
07. Jehovah Nissi : Jehovah, my Banner
08. Jehovah Rophe : Jehovah heals
09. Jehovah Shalom : Jehovah Who gives wholeness, completeness and peace
10. Jehovah Tsidkenu : Jehovah, our Righteousness
11. Jehovah Rohi : Jehovah, my Shepherd
12. Jehovah Shammah : Jehovah is there
13. EL Elyon : The God Most High
14. Jehovah Tsebaoth : The Lord of Hosts
15. Jehovah Makkeh : The Lord, our Smiter
16. Jehovah Gmolah : The Lord of Recompenses
17. Jehovah Elohay : The Lord, my God
The destination you reach is determined by the direction you travel. That seems obvious enough, yet all too often it is forgotten when making the moment-by-moment choices that establish direction.
The direction that is easiest or most comfortable usually does not lead to a destination that is the most desirable. That's because creating something of value involves challenge, effort, sacrifice, and moving out of your comfort zone.
Imagine what would happen if you went for a drive in your car, and at every intersection you selected the road with the least amount of traffic. You would probably have a pleasant, comfortable drive, but would have a very difficult time getting anywhere in particular.
Traveling through life works in much the same way. If you always take the easiest, most comfortable road, you make it all but impossible to reach a destination of your choosing. The choices you make each moment are what control your direction. And the direction you choose to maintain will determine the destination at which you arrive.
To really get to where you want to go, move at every chance in the direction that will take you there.
-- Ralph Marston
The direction that is easiest or most comfortable usually does not lead to a destination that is the most desirable. That's because creating something of value involves challenge, effort, sacrifice, and moving out of your comfort zone.
Imagine what would happen if you went for a drive in your car, and at every intersection you selected the road with the least amount of traffic. You would probably have a pleasant, comfortable drive, but would have a very difficult time getting anywhere in particular.
Traveling through life works in much the same way. If you always take the easiest, most comfortable road, you make it all but impossible to reach a destination of your choosing. The choices you make each moment are what control your direction. And the direction you choose to maintain will determine the destination at which you arrive.
To really get to where you want to go, move at every chance in the direction that will take you there.
-- Ralph Marston
Noah's Ark Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark...
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they
really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they
really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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