Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates. The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!" Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea. Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates.
Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea. Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!" The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest. In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!"
==========================================================================
During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad. That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion. The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.
Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. "Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape. Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right." Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..." "Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself
"Aim..." "Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "
==========================================================================
Lance Corporal Ah Beng, Corporal Ahmad and Sergeant Arul were lost in the jungle. It was clear they would have to share responsibilities in order to survive. Sergeant Arul, as the most high-ranking soldier, took charge. "Ah Beng," said Sergeant Arul. "Ahmad and I will race ahead to see if there's any way out. We want you to stay behind here in the camp and take care of supplies for us. Can?" Ah Beng nodded, and Ahmad and Arul set out ahead. "Where's the bugger?" said Sergeant Arul, puzzled when there's no one around when they return. Where upon Ah Beng immediately jumped out of the bushes and
yelled at both of them, "Supplies!" (Surprise!)
==========================================================================
What's the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy tales?
Ang-mor fairy tales begin with: "Once upon a time..."
Hokkien fairy tales begin with: "Lim Peh ka li kong..."
==========================================================================
Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?" Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light
goes on for me automatically when I open the door!" The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..." At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa is peeing in the refrigerator again!"
January 8, 2004
January 7, 2004
This is hilarious....had a good time laughing away...abit political though
It's the start of a brand new year. Here's some advice from TalkingCock.com's in-house philosopher Confuseus (a foreign talent from the Mainland. Look, he was cheap, okay?), which will hopefully make 2004 more pleasant for you than 2003. ( Sorry but no guarantee.)
20. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
19. There may be more than one way to skin a cat, but don’t be so neow, lah.
18. Those who live in glass houses better have powderful curtains.
17. Half a loaf is better than none, unless you’re on a low-carb diet.
16. Don't burn your bridges behind you. Wait kena fine, then you know.
15. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. You think you who? Michael Jackson?
14. If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach him to fish, he will sit in a boat whole day long and drink beer.
13. Before you criticize someone, you should first walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, don't go skydiving.
11. Do not be a frog in a well. In fact, don't be a frog at all if you can help it.
10. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a notification to MINDEF.
9. Blood is thicker than water, but less gross than Newater.
8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.
7. You need not suffer in silence. You can also moan, whimper, and complain.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
5. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill, unless the molehill is unusually large.
4. Curiosity killed the cat. Or maybe it was the Agri-food and Veterinary Authority of Singapore. I can't remember.
3. All work and no play beats being unemployed.
2. When the going gets tough, check out Australia or Canada.
And the number one piece of advice for 2004:
1. Please: delete those nasty digital photos of your maid from your hard disk.
http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001-2003. All rights reserved.
It's the start of a brand new year. Here's some advice from TalkingCock.com's in-house philosopher Confuseus (a foreign talent from the Mainland. Look, he was cheap, okay?), which will hopefully make 2004 more pleasant for you than 2003. ( Sorry but no guarantee.)
20. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
19. There may be more than one way to skin a cat, but don’t be so neow, lah.
18. Those who live in glass houses better have powderful curtains.
17. Half a loaf is better than none, unless you’re on a low-carb diet.
16. Don't burn your bridges behind you. Wait kena fine, then you know.
15. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. You think you who? Michael Jackson?
14. If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach him to fish, he will sit in a boat whole day long and drink beer.
13. Before you criticize someone, you should first walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, don't go skydiving.
11. Do not be a frog in a well. In fact, don't be a frog at all if you can help it.
10. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a notification to MINDEF.
9. Blood is thicker than water, but less gross than Newater.
8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.
7. You need not suffer in silence. You can also moan, whimper, and complain.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
5. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill, unless the molehill is unusually large.
4. Curiosity killed the cat. Or maybe it was the Agri-food and Veterinary Authority of Singapore. I can't remember.
3. All work and no play beats being unemployed.
2. When the going gets tough, check out Australia or Canada.
And the number one piece of advice for 2004:
1. Please: delete those nasty digital photos of your maid from your hard disk.
http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001-2003. All rights reserved.
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or is against us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraqi ambassador to the UN)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
OSAMA BIN LADEN
If the chicken crossed the road, it is the will of Allah. We will bomb anyone who tries to prevent it crossing the road.
MAHATHIR MOHAMAD
What was wrong in the chicken crossing the road? The West think they can decide the way the chicken should cross. Well, this means I can't retire yet.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
BILL GATES
I have just released MS eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of MS eChicken 2003.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
-------------------
Living In 2003
You know you're living in 2003 when :-
01. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
02. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
03. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
04. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
05. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses (even then its difficult).
06. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner.
07. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or
"9" to get an outside line.
08. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE :-
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or is against us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraqi ambassador to the UN)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
OSAMA BIN LADEN
If the chicken crossed the road, it is the will of Allah. We will bomb anyone who tries to prevent it crossing the road.
MAHATHIR MOHAMAD
What was wrong in the chicken crossing the road? The West think they can decide the way the chicken should cross. Well, this means I can't retire yet.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
BILL GATES
I have just released MS eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of MS eChicken 2003.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
-------------------
Living In 2003
You know you're living in 2003 when :-
01. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
02. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
03. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
04. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
05. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses (even then its difficult).
06. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner.
07. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or
"9" to get an outside line.
08. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE :-
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9
January 6, 2004
Joke: Facts of Life!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
01. I get up at 6 a.m., no matter what time it is.
02. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical,
and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
03. One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby.
04. The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the
prices of a new car.
05. It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such
good friends.
06. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That
must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
08. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the
house.
09. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
10. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... and that is a good thing
for any man.
11.Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...
12.Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life sentence!!
13.Marriage is when a man and woman become one, the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.
14.I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
15.If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
01. I get up at 6 a.m., no matter what time it is.
02. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical,
and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
03. One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby.
04. The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the
prices of a new car.
05. It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such
good friends.
06. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That
must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
08. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the
house.
09. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
10. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... and that is a good thing
for any man.
11.Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...
12.Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life sentence!!
13.Marriage is when a man and woman become one, the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.
14.I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
15.If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
January 5, 2004
Talk abt voicemails...nowadays there are alot out there....really funny ones...i find a few here quite quirky if u may say so
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a free trip or another damn credit card,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10.This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
11.Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12.Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13.If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
14.Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15.Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right....real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're
done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a free trip or another damn credit card,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10.This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
11.Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12.Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13.If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
14.Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15.Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right....real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're
done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
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