Remember i blogged about Liena's departure ?
She came back on Saturday alr. with much fanfare i guessed.
i could not make it to the airport to pick her up due to the weddings i had to attend on saturday. I received a call form her at 7pm when she was at home. Very happy to hear from her...
Will be trying to meet up with her this week or next.
June 28, 2008
June 27, 2008
Definitely Mebbe
Recently, I caught up with my sec school pals. 1 of them is actually gettign married this saturday. Lets call him Luke.
We sat in a coffeeshop drinking coffee and teh-si. Eating their durians and me munching on peanuts...
Halfway through, the soon to be married man heaved a heavy-hearted sigh of resignation. Naturally we asked him what’s wrong. He confided that he had a tiff with his wife-to-be a few days ago over a drinking credit card bill of $200 which led to him being chased out of the soon to be matrimonial house.
I was like, wah lau.. saturday how ?
He was like, boh bian , die die have to settle...
And this is thursday evening. Yesterday
1 of my super inconsiderate fren went “Wah seh you now free liaos lah.. can cheong tonight lo,”
My eyes popped out in disbelief, at the uncouthness of him and the sniggering rest.
Luke was still visibly upset and downcast.
“Stop suan-ing me lah,” he gulped down some beer and in that same breathe, he said ,"Lets go"
I went WTF ?!?!?!
In the midst of our unplanned (due to luke's wife rep of calling up his frenz to diss and cuss them whenever he returns drunk) stag nite (we only plan to have dinner with him due to his wife's rep), Luke said this to me, the only singleton in the group of friends (ED: wonders if it is my fortune?) “Look at you, a swinging bachelor, no FG/wife to nag at you and no kids to feed. Wanna go where; juz whack. Shiok la, wot would i give to be in your shoes man.”
Well, all i could tell him was,"You dunno my pain lah brudder. You see me good, I see you good aso ma. How I wish i could get someone to call when i m sian. Someone to nag at me alittle. Someone to call my own too.
He laughed out boisterously at this point in time.
“Hahaha, dude, don’t regret wot you juz said.”
“I wanna settle down too, see, everyone is married and i am the only single one here..”
He looked at me with an enormous amount of sacrasm and laughed, “If you tink it is the best, go for it lo. Juz remember to call me when u need a pity party.”
I was left with half a grin and half a frown.
I looked like an idiot.
Shoot me pls.
The night set me tinking.
I could not get to sleep.
After so many years and so many failed relationships(including rejections), I’ve come to realize that it definitely isn’t easy to maintain an on-going, nice and long relationship.
I am Mr Nice Guy. (Ok, take it for granted that i am not that nice sometimes but i am juz beign myself hokays.) What more can they ask for? I don’t dabble in vices and drugs and all other forms of demonic worship.
So what is it that eludes me and that fateful missing rib.
We sat in a coffeeshop drinking coffee and teh-si. Eating their durians and me munching on peanuts...
Halfway through, the soon to be married man heaved a heavy-hearted sigh of resignation. Naturally we asked him what’s wrong. He confided that he had a tiff with his wife-to-be a few days ago over a drinking credit card bill of $200 which led to him being chased out of the soon to be matrimonial house.
I was like, wah lau.. saturday how ?
He was like, boh bian , die die have to settle...
And this is thursday evening. Yesterday
1 of my super inconsiderate fren went “Wah seh you now free liaos lah.. can cheong tonight lo,”
My eyes popped out in disbelief, at the uncouthness of him and the sniggering rest.
Luke was still visibly upset and downcast.
“Stop suan-ing me lah,” he gulped down some beer and in that same breathe, he said ,"Lets go"
I went WTF ?!?!?!
In the midst of our unplanned (due to luke's wife rep of calling up his frenz to diss and cuss them whenever he returns drunk) stag nite (we only plan to have dinner with him due to his wife's rep), Luke said this to me, the only singleton in the group of friends (ED: wonders if it is my fortune?) “Look at you, a swinging bachelor, no FG/wife to nag at you and no kids to feed. Wanna go where; juz whack. Shiok la, wot would i give to be in your shoes man.”
Well, all i could tell him was,"You dunno my pain lah brudder. You see me good, I see you good aso ma. How I wish i could get someone to call when i m sian. Someone to nag at me alittle. Someone to call my own too.
He laughed out boisterously at this point in time.
“Hahaha, dude, don’t regret wot you juz said.”
“I wanna settle down too, see, everyone is married and i am the only single one here..”
He looked at me with an enormous amount of sacrasm and laughed, “If you tink it is the best, go for it lo. Juz remember to call me when u need a pity party.”
I was left with half a grin and half a frown.
I looked like an idiot.
Shoot me pls.
The night set me tinking.
I could not get to sleep.
After so many years and so many failed relationships(including rejections), I’ve come to realize that it definitely isn’t easy to maintain an on-going, nice and long relationship.
I am Mr Nice Guy. (Ok, take it for granted that i am not that nice sometimes but i am juz beign myself hokays.) What more can they ask for? I don’t dabble in vices and drugs and all other forms of demonic worship.
So what is it that eludes me and that fateful missing rib.
June 26, 2008
Man named God arrested for selling cocaine - near a church
TAMPA, FL -- Whether his name is a blessing or curse the man named God Lucky Howard was arrested by undercover detectives for selling cocaine in his neighborhood.
If the delivery of cocaine charge isn't enough Howard is charged with the delivery of cocaine near a church, a school and public housing near North Avon Avenue in Tampa.
After obtaining a warrant Police searched Howard's home and found an additional 22 grams of cocaine and a scale.
The investigation began toward the end of April and led to Howard's arrest Saturday.
Howard remains in jail on $86,500 bond.
Copyright 2008 The E.W. Scripps Co. All rights reserved.
Via Lancerlord
If the delivery of cocaine charge isn't enough Howard is charged with the delivery of cocaine near a church, a school and public housing near North Avon Avenue in Tampa.
After obtaining a warrant Police searched Howard's home and found an additional 22 grams of cocaine and a scale.
The investigation began toward the end of April and led to Howard's arrest Saturday.
Howard remains in jail on $86,500 bond.
Copyright 2008 The E.W. Scripps Co. All rights reserved.
Via Lancerlord
“World’s Most Ethical Companies” List
Picked up this piece of news......
******************************************************
In recognition of its commitment to ethical leadership, Symantec has been named to Ethisphere Magazines second-annual listing of the Worlds Most Ethical Companies. Ethisphere, a think-tank dedicated to the research and promotion of profitable best practices in global governance, business ethics, compliance, and corporate responsibility, revealed the award at the Ethisphere and Forbes joint-conference “Driving Profit through Ethical Leadership,” held on June 3.
Symantec was acknowledged in the computer software category, along with Oracle and Salesforce.com.
"We are delighted to receive this award as it recognizes Symantec's efforts with respect to its developing Corporate Responsibility program,” said Cecily Joseph, Director of Corporate Responsibility. “At Symantec, corporate responsibility is intertwined with the company's core purpose of securing and managing the world's information. We define corporate responsibility as the way in which we fulfill this purpose, with full attention and respect to ethical operation, the environment, and positive social impact.”
Researchers and analysts reviewed several thousand companies as part of a rigorous, multi-step evaluation process to determine the finalists. The 2008 World's Most Ethical Companies methodology committee is comprised of leading attorneys and government officials, professors, and leaders who care about ethical and honest business practices.
“Symantec is among the companies honored this year because they have developed impressive and meaningful ethical business practices, making them true standouts within their industries,” said Alexander Brigham, executive director of Ethisphere Institute. “They go well beyond legal minimums, opting instead to bring about innovative ideas that contribute to the public well being. By their actions, they are forcing their competitors to follow suit or fall behind, and truly embodying the notion that ethical business practices are more profitable in the long run.”
The extensive research process included reviewing more than 10,000 of the world's leading companies on six continents. Ethisphere analysts reviewed codes of ethics, litigation, and regulatory infraction histories; evaluated investment in innovation and sustainable business practices; looked at companies' activities to improve corporate citizenship; studied nominations from senior executives, industry peers, suppliers, and customers; and worked with consumer action groups for feedback and rating.
Symantec highlighted key initiatives aimed towards environmental protection and sustainability, workplace diversity, community service, innovation and other programs that have helped drive leadership in corporate ethics and compliance.
"Symantec continues to build and integrate ethical practices into its business through such compliance efforts as Symantec's code of conduct, our privacy policies, and other workplace practices,” said Harvey Jang, Sr. Corporate Counsel. “We see these efforts as an opportunity to minimize risk, instill company values, and build a global culture of ethical behavior."
A complete list of Worlds Most Ethical companies is currently featured in the Q2 issue of Ethisphere Magazine.
******************************************************
In recognition of its commitment to ethical leadership, Symantec has been named to Ethisphere Magazines second-annual listing of the Worlds Most Ethical Companies. Ethisphere, a think-tank dedicated to the research and promotion of profitable best practices in global governance, business ethics, compliance, and corporate responsibility, revealed the award at the Ethisphere and Forbes joint-conference “Driving Profit through Ethical Leadership,” held on June 3.
Symantec was acknowledged in the computer software category, along with Oracle and Salesforce.com.
"We are delighted to receive this award as it recognizes Symantec's efforts with respect to its developing Corporate Responsibility program,” said Cecily Joseph, Director of Corporate Responsibility. “At Symantec, corporate responsibility is intertwined with the company's core purpose of securing and managing the world's information. We define corporate responsibility as the way in which we fulfill this purpose, with full attention and respect to ethical operation, the environment, and positive social impact.”
Researchers and analysts reviewed several thousand companies as part of a rigorous, multi-step evaluation process to determine the finalists. The 2008 World's Most Ethical Companies methodology committee is comprised of leading attorneys and government officials, professors, and leaders who care about ethical and honest business practices.
“Symantec is among the companies honored this year because they have developed impressive and meaningful ethical business practices, making them true standouts within their industries,” said Alexander Brigham, executive director of Ethisphere Institute. “They go well beyond legal minimums, opting instead to bring about innovative ideas that contribute to the public well being. By their actions, they are forcing their competitors to follow suit or fall behind, and truly embodying the notion that ethical business practices are more profitable in the long run.”
The extensive research process included reviewing more than 10,000 of the world's leading companies on six continents. Ethisphere analysts reviewed codes of ethics, litigation, and regulatory infraction histories; evaluated investment in innovation and sustainable business practices; looked at companies' activities to improve corporate citizenship; studied nominations from senior executives, industry peers, suppliers, and customers; and worked with consumer action groups for feedback and rating.
Symantec highlighted key initiatives aimed towards environmental protection and sustainability, workplace diversity, community service, innovation and other programs that have helped drive leadership in corporate ethics and compliance.
"Symantec continues to build and integrate ethical practices into its business through such compliance efforts as Symantec's code of conduct, our privacy policies, and other workplace practices,” said Harvey Jang, Sr. Corporate Counsel. “We see these efforts as an opportunity to minimize risk, instill company values, and build a global culture of ethical behavior."
A complete list of Worlds Most Ethical companies is currently featured in the Q2 issue of Ethisphere Magazine.
Random Thots
i was rummaging thru my RSS feeds as usual.. i stumbled upon nadnut's brog post.
I find her statement especially endearing.. which is another mantra of mine in blogging
we should all be bloggin for only ourselves and not jump on the bandwagon of those celebrities-brog wannabes...
+1 for humanity
I find her statement especially endearing.. which is another mantra of mine in blogging
Not long after, blogging became an ‘in’ thing, and everyone and anyone started blogging. It was a major change that affected everyone, as advertisers realized that blogging was a cheap and viable medium to consider, which in turn led to the most basic economic rule: with demand comes supply, though in this case, it was a very bad supply of blogs. Everyone started jumping onto the bandwagon or in this case, the money tree which deteriorated the qualities of blogs just because everyone was posting entries without any substance.
To me, I find that one should be themselves and not blog just for the sake of earning money. Any income from blogging should be seen as a reward and not a justified salary.
we should all be bloggin for only ourselves and not jump on the bandwagon of those celebrities-brog wannabes...
+1 for humanity
Horoscope Reading According to Doubutsu Uranai
Gotten webby off 9.
Take it with a pinch of salt yeah
Red Wolf person is cheerful, pure and amiable.
However, you don't like interference, and because you yourself don't depend on others, you give the impression of being gruff and abrupt.
You are born with luck, and will be recognized socially and economically.
You don't like to suck up to your boss.
You have a strong sense of justice, and even if you would be disadvantaged, you will act according to your principles.
You guard your responsibility precisely, and your cautiousness at work will get you trust of the others.
The weakness is you tend to get bored easily.
And being clumsy makes it difficult to become successful in the society, but if you meet a boss who would understand you, luck will come by.
You are good at producing original ideas, and are never out of new ideas and unique plans.
You have the power to put that into action as well.
You can carry out a race to be number one in areas that you are good at.
So, you are suited to become a specialist.
Even if you change jobs, you are able to accumulate knowledge, and will develop your own career.
Take it with a pinch of salt yeah
Red Wolf person is cheerful, pure and amiable.
However, you don't like interference, and because you yourself don't depend on others, you give the impression of being gruff and abrupt.
You are born with luck, and will be recognized socially and economically.
You don't like to suck up to your boss.
You have a strong sense of justice, and even if you would be disadvantaged, you will act according to your principles.
You guard your responsibility precisely, and your cautiousness at work will get you trust of the others.
The weakness is you tend to get bored easily.
And being clumsy makes it difficult to become successful in the society, but if you meet a boss who would understand you, luck will come by.
You are good at producing original ideas, and are never out of new ideas and unique plans.
You have the power to put that into action as well.
You can carry out a race to be number one in areas that you are good at.
So, you are suited to become a specialist.
Even if you change jobs, you are able to accumulate knowledge, and will develop your own career.
Life in Singapore
Gotten this of Davyd Chua. Very funny. Very real.
**********************************************************************************
1. Nite - Sleep with air-con; Day - Bathe with heater on
2. Day - Cannot Wake up; Nite - Cannot Sleep
3. Cigarettes - Convenient to buy; not convenient to smoke
4. Chewing Gum - Can Chew, Cannot buy?? (Restrictions on buying)
5. Smell Of rubbish besides letterboxes; Rubbish inside Letterbox
6. Private Cars - Cheaper & Cheaper to Buy, harder & harder to Maintain
7. Education - Teachers teaching Less but expects students to learn More
8. High-tech barbaric singaporeans - know how to use state-of-the
art equipment, but dunno how to use a simple dustbin or a toilet
9. There are quite a number of rich/poor in spore - They have Car, Credit
Card, CPF .... but no Cash and lots of loans
10. Translation is needed between Singaporean Chinese and
Mainland China Chinese
11. S'porean never like to vote, but like to complain
12. Half Sporeans rushed to buy Hello kitty, but the other half busy
killing stray cats
13. Public Bus - Half the Crowd squeeze in front section of the Bus,
Second section is for Carrying Ghost
**********************************************************************************
1. Nite - Sleep with air-con; Day - Bathe with heater on
2. Day - Cannot Wake up; Nite - Cannot Sleep
3. Cigarettes - Convenient to buy; not convenient to smoke
4. Chewing Gum - Can Chew, Cannot buy?? (Restrictions on buying)
5. Smell Of rubbish besides letterboxes; Rubbish inside Letterbox
6. Private Cars - Cheaper & Cheaper to Buy, harder & harder to Maintain
7. Education - Teachers teaching Less but expects students to learn More
8. High-tech barbaric singaporeans - know how to use state-of-the
art equipment, but dunno how to use a simple dustbin or a toilet
9. There are quite a number of rich/poor in spore - They have Car, Credit
Card, CPF .... but no Cash and lots of loans
10. Translation is needed between Singaporean Chinese and
Mainland China Chinese
11. S'porean never like to vote, but like to complain
12. Half Sporeans rushed to buy Hello kitty, but the other half busy
killing stray cats
13. Public Bus - Half the Crowd squeeze in front section of the Bus,
Second section is for Carrying Ghost
June 25, 2008
Basic Thai
Thai language itself is tough to master.. either that or i am not cut out to be a linguist, but then again.. i need to have some fodder to blog.. so here goes..
EZ Thai: Some Basic Words and Phrases
| Hello | sà-wàt-dii khráp / sà-wàt-dii khâ |
| How are you? | sà-baai-dii mái |
| I’m fine | sà-baai-dii |
| Thanks | khàwp-khun khráp / khàwp-khun khâ |
| Sorry | khăw-thôt khráp / khăw-thôt khâ |
| yes | châi |
| no | mâi châi |
| Good morning. | à-run-sà-wàt |
| Good afternoon. | sà-wàt-dii tawn-thîang |
| Good evening. | sà-wàt-dii tawn-yen |
| Good night. | râa-trii sà-wàt |
| Can you help me? | chûay nàwy dâai mái |
| No Problem. | mâi-pen-rai |
| My name is Lee. | chăn chûe lee |
| What is your name? | khun chûe à-rai |
| Nice to meet you. | yin-dii thîi dâai rú-jàk |
| Nice to talk to you. | yin-dii thîi dâai khui dûay |
| Good! | dii |
| That’s great! | yîam mâak |
Update
Currently i m addicted to plurking... most of my time is spent waiting for responses....
I do it in btw emails
i do it while waiting for files
i do it while eating
Diuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.... its really taking over life.
PS: hmmmmmmmm.. should i plurk this ?
I do it in btw emails
i do it while waiting for files
i do it while eating
Diuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.... its really taking over life.
PS: hmmmmmmmm.. should i plurk this ?
3rd Case in 2008
Man clears SG Airport Security 3x with son's passport: Slack in airport security. Mr Ang Heng Soon uses his son's passport and was able to clear past the Certis Cisco officers at the entrance to the restricted area; and after which the Checkpoints Authority officer cleared him to board the plane.
Has a certain welcome left Singapore in the same fashion? and i read recently that singapore airport won some form of accolade.. =)
Link courteousy of Lancerlord
In a rush to catch a flight at Singapore Changi Airport's Budget Terminal, 61-year-old retiree Ang Heng Soon, left his house with the wrong passport. Instead, he took his 39-year-old son's passport, The Straits Times reported today. Despite having the wrong passport, Mr Ang was able to check in at the Tiger Airways counter in order to board his flight to Ho Chi Minh City for his six-day holiday. He, then, managed to clear past Certis Cisco officers at the entrance to the restricted area. However, he did face some problems at the immigration checkpoint. The Automated Clearance System failed to pick up his fingerprint scan and so the Checkpoints Authority told him to go through the manual clearance instead. Despite this diversion, an officer cleared him to leave Singapore and he boarded his flight. Mr Ang told The Straits Times he only realised his mistake during the flight. Once he arrived in Ho Chi Minh City, he informed immigration authorities there and they sent him back immediately on the same plane back to Singapore.
Has a certain welcome left Singapore in the same fashion? and i read recently that singapore airport won some form of accolade.. =)
Link courteousy of Lancerlord
June 24, 2008
Little Johnny Jokes
I always find this little johnny jokes to be funny.. some of them explicit... but i like the mind you own business part...very funny
**********************
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
**********************
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
**********************
Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
**********************
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just $&#*&^# beautiful!
**********************
One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,
"Well what should we do about this?"
Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
**********************
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
(1 of my favourites)
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Mary?"
"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
(1 of my favourites)
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out ... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
~~~~~
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not!" answered his mother.
"If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.
ell? what did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
~~~~~
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the fuXXing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
~~~~~
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when Little Johnny delivered his pizza.
"Well," Little Johnny replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."
"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," Little Johnny said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the man.
"Applied psychology," replied Little Johnny.
~~~~~
Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch...'"
"Johnny !" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords."
"But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain. "Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "
~~~~~
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
~~~~~
(1 of my favourites)
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
~~~~~
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
~~~~~
It was the first day of third grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Little Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His dad nodded and told him, "That’s because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s third grade, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That’s because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That’s because you’re 18."
~~~~~
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
~~~~~
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny sneeringly replied, "A puppy!"
~~~~~
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F--K OFF!", the dog ate him!"
~~~~~
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler.
She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went.
She said, "I think I broke his gambling".
The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money."
"DAMN!" said the father.
"What's wrong?", the teacher asked.
Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"
~~~~~
(My all time favourite)
A grade school teacher in Tennessee asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by
Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
**********************
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
**********************
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
**********************
Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
**********************
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just $&#*&^# beautiful!
**********************
One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,
"Well what should we do about this?"
Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
**********************
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
(1 of my favourites)
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Mary?"
"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
(1 of my favourites)
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out ... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
~~~~~
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not!" answered his mother.
"If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.
ell? what did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
~~~~~
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the fuXXing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
~~~~~
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when Little Johnny delivered his pizza.
"Well," Little Johnny replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."
"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," Little Johnny said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the man.
"Applied psychology," replied Little Johnny.
~~~~~
Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch...'"
"Johnny !" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords."
"But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain. "Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "
~~~~~
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
~~~~~
(1 of my favourites)
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
~~~~~
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
~~~~~
It was the first day of third grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Little Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His dad nodded and told him, "That’s because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s third grade, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That’s because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That’s because you’re 18."
~~~~~
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
~~~~~
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny sneeringly replied, "A puppy!"
~~~~~
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F--K OFF!", the dog ate him!"
~~~~~
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler.
She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went.
She said, "I think I broke his gambling".
The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money."
"DAMN!" said the father.
"What's wrong?", the teacher asked.
Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"
~~~~~
(My all time favourite)
A grade school teacher in Tennessee asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by
Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
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Murphy's love laws
Interesting laws.
- All the good ones are taken.
- If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
- The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
- Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
This constant is always zero. - The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
- Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
- The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
- Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
- Nice guys (girls) finish last.
- The good ones die first.
- If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
- Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
- The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
- Nothing improves with age.
- No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
- Sex has no calories.
- Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
- There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
- Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
- No sex with anyone in the same office.
- Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
- A man in the house is worth two in the street.
- If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
- Virginity can be cured.
- When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
- The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
- Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
- It is always the wrong time of month.
- The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
- When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
- Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
- Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
- The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
- It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
- Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
- Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
- There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
- Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
- Love is a hole in the heart.
- If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
- Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
- Do it only with the best.
- Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
- One good turn gets most of the blankets.
- You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
- Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Anonymous comment:
The person who said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...NEVER loved and lost! - Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
- Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
- Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
- Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
- A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
- What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
- Never say no.
- A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
- Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
- Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
- Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
- A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
- Love comes in spurts.
- The world does not revolve on an axis.
- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
- Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
- There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
- Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
- Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- "This won't hurt, I promise."
- Nothing improves with age.
- An ex-wife/husband will always be "till death do us part".
- When a man wants his wife to hear, she doesn't listen.
When that same man doesn't want his wife to hear, she's all ears. - It's always easier to get a partner if you already have one.
- Although it may seem like that on the outside, no one is having fun being single
- If you're heart is broken, sweep up the pieces.
There will always be someone who will want to put it back together. - Love and high-school must NEVER go together.
- If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him; is he still wrong?
- Show me a husband who won't, I'll show you a neighbor who will
- It doesn't matter HOW good it was, if you end up worrying or regretting it, it was bad sex
- You get the best sex from the worst one for you
- Never trust a woman who acts like you are so sexy she can't help herself but drag you to bed
- No one is as fascinating as they think
- If you believe a relationship can't work, but feel the need to try, it won't.
Corollary: You will later find out that your lack of belief caused it to fail. - The duration of a relationship to a person is inversely proportionate to the importance of person to you.
- The Key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.
- The two thing no man can ever understand; Women and what makes all men complete damm fools over women.
- Love makes believers of us all.
Translation: Love obscures common sense. - Being taken attracts women. Being single makes them avoid you like the plague.
- If you go behind a girl you are heading to trouble.
- In the eternal battle of the sexes, women are already the winners.
- When with your girlfriend you will always have gas.
- Celibacy is not heredity.
- The hornier someone is, the less likely that it will be they have sex.
Corollary Horniness is inversely related to one's chance of scoring - The man shalt not win the argument he started
- The man shalt not win the argument he didn't start
- If a man won an argument, it was just in his head
- A love will tell you they love you endlessly. A true love will tell everyone else they love you endlessly despite the embarrassment factor
- When all else fails, have hope
- In Romance; and in Finance we play with Figures.
- A cauliflower resembles a rose, if your eyesight is not 6/6
- Before falling in love do take your backup, it always helps in recovery.
- if a man has it he won't want it,
the guy who buys it won't use it,
the guy who uses it could give a shit about it,
so don't give a shit and you will have it all. - Anticipation is 98% of the pleasure
- The amount of members of the opposite sex you pursue is inversely proportional to pretty much everything about you, such as intelligence.
- If you are interested in someone, a close friend will grab their attention.
This is especially likely if they:
A.) Don't want the attention of said person and/or
B.) Are already dating someone else - The ABC rule:
If A is attracted to B, and you are attracted to C, A has a better chance with B than you do with C.
B and C are often the same person. - The uglier the girl the closer she lives.
- If any things will happen on the first date, you won't have a condom.
- The size of the pencil is not as important as the quality of the writing.
Corollaries: The quality of the writing is affected by the quality of the paper.
Regardless of how well one writes, it is difficult to write at all unless there is lead in the pencil. - Marriage is the greatest leveler.
- Girls are like toilet rooms. Either it is taken, or full of sh*t.
- If you're having difficulties choosing between potential two girls, you'll always pick the wrong one.
- If it seems perfect today, tomorrow it will end.
- If a girl tell you "let's stay friends", she won't call ever again. If you call, she won't answer.
- You'll always catch fever before the first date.
- Never make love in your back garden. Love is blind, but not your neighbors.
Or in another version:
Don't make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors ain't. - Love is blind. Marriage is an eye opener
- When it comes to love and lost, doing the right thing always hurts.
- Being honest with someone will always turn that person into an enemy.
- When you're girlfriend says that you have to talk the relationship is over.
- The day you decide to tell you're girlfriend you could not live without her she will leave you the next day.
- You're best friend stop being you're best friend the instant a beautiful woman walks in and you both are attracted to her.
- The more you want a women the least she will want you.
- When she says: "Don't buy me anything expensive" and you listen, expect to be single.
- Even the most beautiful woman in the world has at least one guy who is tired of her.
- If you marry a beautiful girl she'll turn into her mother.
If you marry a plain girl she'll turns into her dad. - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. But they never said anything about their daughter.
- The mother of the man, or the father of the woman you love will invariably hate you.
- The best men (or women) are always taken--or crazy.
- When you take your time getting ready your date will arrive 20 min. early; when you're on time they're 30 min. late.
- As soon as you break up the man (or woman) who couldn't commit TO YOU will get married.
- A good women/men are like parking spots, all the good ones are taken.
- Procrastination is a lot like masturbation, it feels good until you realize your just fucking yourself
- Women are like boats: they require constant maintenance and attention, and they cost a lot of money. Men are like buses: another one will eventually come along.
- Any good looking person you see that isn't alone, will be accompanied by a person of the opposite sex who doesn't deserve to be with them.
- The length of a relationship is directly related to how much you are attracted to your significant other best friend.
- No woman\men is better than two
- Romance is when common sense flies out of the window.
- Being told you are the nicest guy they know is the kiss of death.
- Beauty is directly proportional to the number of drinks consumed.
Corollary: Beauty is also directly related to the time remaining until last call. - The other side lawyers are always better then yours.
- The partner you want don't want you. The ones that want you are not made for you.
- Any "Why" question, has no answer, and if it does, that answer is not logical.
- Love will cause people to do stupid things.
- Loving someone to much may be cause for a restraining order.
- If you love a person let them go. If they don't come back they weren't worth it.
- Sex ends all interest.
- Cute now equal annoying later.
- Not everything takes longer than you expect.
- To get your significant other you need: Time. Money and Energy.
The sum of the three is constant.
If you are short of one of them, you need quite a lot of the remaining two.
If you are short of two of them, you need tremendous amount of the remaining one.
If you are short of all the three, no hope.
Otherwise the result is always success. - The love of your life will only want you back once you are in another serious relationship.
- You don't pay for sex, you pay him/her to leave after you're done.
- If you think a girl is beautiful, her boyfriend will always be there to confirm it.
- Your seduction potential is inversely proportional to your willingness to seduce
- The most intelligent statements will be thought of at the most inappropriate times. (i.e. during a make out session, strike up a law of Quantum physics, thus demonstrating that you are not interested in the other person).
- You never truly know a significant other until you meet him/her in a court of law.
- No matter how beautiful/wonderful s/he may seem to be, there's always someone out there that's sick and tired of his/her s**t too.
- The boyfriend of the girl you like is a ...
- If (s)he wants to dump you, (s)he will find a reason.
or
If (s)he wants to dump you, (s)he will.
- I know the math here doesn't hold. but it's funny, so I'll leave it here.
- Marriage is like a dog with a bone, he might not touch it, just doesn't let another dogs come near it.
- Everything that glitters, is not WET.
- When you finally bed the attractive blond/e, s/he'll nick your wallet and watch.
Unless you owe him/her fifty quid.
- Marriage is the ending of a perfectly good sex life
- Gravity cannot be held responsible for 2 people falling in love.
- The difference between love and the common cold is that for the common cold there is a vaccine.
- The Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson law for celebrity couple Persona-polarization:
The most beautiful women in the world, always marry the most ugly men.
The Carmen Electra/ Dennis Rodman corollary
The most beautiful men in the world ALSO marry the most ugly AND most crazy men in the world.
- If you love her/him, s/he doesn't love you
- If you are in love, he/she isn't
- If you want love, you don't get it
- If a beautiful wo/man loves you, it's fake
- If you are happy together, wait till you are married
- It's always the quiet ones that have the two dozen corpses in their basements.
- love can be your best friend and/or your worst enemy
- Wedding cake cures nymphomania.
- Everyone believe in love, but wonder if it exists
- You may get off on a cheap hooker but you can't get off on a cheap lawyer
- The one thing that will almost certainly come between two friends is a girl
- The sexier a man is, the better the chances that he is gay
- Being told that someone doesn't want to date you because you're such a good friend, is like being told that you didn't get the job because you're overqualified
- When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow
- You don't fall in love, you fall in a hole. The depth of the hole is proportionate to how oblivious you are of the fall.
- The best way to get over a woman.....is to get over another
- You always need a more patient partner no matter how patient s/he is
- Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
- Absence makes the heart go wander.
- The person you want the most will end up with the person you hate the most.
- If you get it, it will be taken away.
- The perfection of a person is proportional to how much you love him/her.
- The imperfection of a person is proportional to how much you hate him/her.
- Rebillot's Law of Infertility:
You never know that you're infertile until you try to fertilize. - In any married couple, both members think that they will be the first one to die, which means that at least 50% of the people will be wrong.
- You'll think of a great line to say to someone the moment after your chance is gone.
- Kids in cars cause accidents.
Accidents in cars cause kids. - Success in marriage isn't in marrying the right person, it's being the right person
- "All women are neurotic; all men are assholes" – Kurt Vonnegut
- If you can't find Mr Right, go for Mr Fits Best
- A girlfriend is like a credit card, if you have one it's easier to get a new one
Random Jokes
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
June 23, 2008
Idle
Nice show.. Now into episode 12.. Show is about a sushi chef and his acts of kindness.. Heartwarming..
Xmas in another XXXX days.. Abolute Randomity
Santa Claus is coming to town. Don't be mistaken, it's not 25th of Dec yet. Today is only the 23rd of June.
Another XXXX days for you to shop for good tidings a.k.a presents.
Everyone loves gifts
It's just that the orchard road lightings that caught my eyes (whereever they turn), so I ought to give it a honourable mention in view of the banglas who hang the watifs and watnots in the trees.
2008 is almost over. at least half of it has gone and irreplaceable
G.A.S.P.
S.I.G.H.
Why is it that when we grow older by the years, the days seem to drift pass us so quickly.
It's not like this when I was a kiddo leh.
There were like countless hours for me to indulge in my boisterous play.
Not forgetting tons of homework to be done. Ok not tons, I exaggerate. at least the minimal i did seemed to be tonnes
At least I am thankful that in my time, there was no internet to take away precious time and to distract me from my studies.
Else I would be too immersed in playing computer games and neglecting my books.
Although I mite look like a beng, but I am a good beng. Got such a thing as good beng? Of course got lah. at least in my bengalicious dictionary.
End of beng talk.
Why on earth am i talking about Xmas in june... i really have no idea.. the idea of Xmas juz jumped to me and a post floated to my blain...in another 4 weeks time i be in thailand, sipping my singha latte and watching the crowds go by. it would be a case of heaven on earth for me.
R.E.A.L.L.Y
just let me get by this 4 weeks
Today is a bad day lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...both at work and everywhere else
i walked into office forgetting my badge.
i forgot to send some emails on saturday.
i forgot a con-call this morning
i had clashed 2 meetings at 11am
i wasnt too keen on lunch but had to go.
i realised i forgot to pay my SCV bill
i realised i forgot to call sum1
i realised in my anger i forgot to do something.
i remembered i had to stay behind today to complete some stuff.
Wot a day
Miffed.
There is always some madness in love.
But there is also always some reason in madness.
^ Friedrich Nietzsche ^
But there is also always some reason in madness.
^ Friedrich Nietzsche ^
Merlion gg for a shower
The Merlion Statue at Merlion Park would be undergoing its annual cleaning and maintenance between 27th June '08 to 6th July '08.
The Merlion statue would be covered with a canvas during this entire period and will not be available for public viewing.
Random Joke
Santa Singh just graduated from Law school and decided to apply for a job in the most prestigious 'Lee & Lee Law Firm' During the interview, Mr. KY Lee looked at Santa Singh's resume, thinks for a while and said, 'Well, I would need to discuss your application with my wife.' And went off to discuss Santa's application with his wife.
KY Lee's wife said, 'C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning with 'Lee' only? Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!' So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.
Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request for another interview and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire.......' when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just changed my name. Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, 'What is your new name then?'
On this, Santa Singh replied, 'Surname Lee, Last name, Mang Kha!' (Mang Kha-Lee)
--
**************************************************
There is always some madness in love.
But there is also always some reason in madness.
^ Friedrich Nietzsche ^
KY Lee's wife said, 'C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning with 'Lee' only? Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!' So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.
Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request for another interview and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire.......' when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just changed my name. Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, 'What is your new name then?'
On this, Santa Singh replied, 'Surname Lee, Last name, Mang Kha!' (Mang Kha-Lee)
--
**************************************************
There is always some madness in love.
But there is also always some reason in madness.
^ Friedrich Nietzsche ^
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