The First Malaysian in Space
Mahathir finally sends a Malaysian into space courtesy of the Russians. Finally, after months of training, the Malaysian astronaut and a chimpanzee are blasted off into space.
Once in orbit, the Malaysian waits for instructions. The screen flickers and the instrucions are flashed on it:
"Chimpanzee, execute space manuever No. 23B"
The chimp takes over flight control and carries out the manuever. The Malaysian astronaut is impressed but patient... he knows his instructions will come and they'll probably be more complex than what the chimp just did.
The screen flickers again and more instructions appear:
"Chimpanzee, carry out scientific experiment No. 234"
The chimp goes to the lab and mixes chemicals and carries out all sorts of complex scientific experiments. While he's doing this, the Malaysian astronaut is impatient. He speaks to Ground Control tru the comm link: "Eh Control, how come I got nothing to do man... train for so long but the monyet does all the important work but I'm smarter than the monyet"
Finally Ground Control responds: "Be patient, your instructions are coming soon"
Finally, the monkey rejoins the Malaysian astronaut and they wait for the instructions from the screen.
THe screen flickers and the message appears....
"Prepare for new instructions...."
A small door under the screen opens. Inside, there is a compartment with a wrapped item inside.....
"Malaysian astronaut, remove the item and unwrap then wait for further instructions"
The Malaysian astronaut unwraps the item and finds a banana inside. "Must be biogenetic banana" he thinks...
The screen flickers again....
"Malaysian astronaut, please feed the monkey"
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Malaysian in Space
Dr. Mahathir was about to send the first Malaysian rocket into space.
3 potential astronauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one Chinese.
Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid for it?"
Muthu thinks to himself and says, "1 million ringgit."
"Why so much?" asks Dr. M.
"Nowadays toddy wery expensive, Datuk..." replies Muthu.
"I see," said Dr. M. "Thank you... please ask the Malay guy to come here."
So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
"Uh... 2 million boleh lah," replies the Malay applicant.
"2 million? That's a lot of money! Even the aneh before you only asked for one million!"
"You see, Datuk," explained Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children...so, 20 of us in the family, we need a lot of money to support ourselves..."
"I see," said Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask the Chinese guy to come up here now?"
The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid?"
Ah Chong thinks for a while, and suddenly says, "3 million."
Mahathir is shocked. "WHAT?!?! 3 million? Why so much?!"
Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer, and whispers, "One million you keep, one million I keep, and then one more million to send the aneh into space."
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Sun Exploration
Four delegates from China, Russia, the United States and Malaysia attended the United Nations' Meeting. All the nations were discussing about space exploration by the year 2000. Here are some of the conversations:
China Delegate: 'By the year 2000, China will start their moon exploration project. '
Russian Delegate: ' We too, we are going to explore the moon. This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon.'
Bill Clinton: ' We the United States will also explore the moon for second time.'
Malaysian Delegate: 'By the year 2000, Malaysia will explore the sun.'
There was a long silence, Bill Clinton stood up and asked the Malaysia Delegate: ' Isn't it too hot to explore the sun?'
Malaysian Delegate (smiling): 'I had this thought out already. We will do it in the evening.'
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Philosophy
Singapore and Malaysia have a different philosophies of life. This becomes apparent when we compare the two countries' Rules of Simple Living.
Singapore:
1 - One Wife
2 - Two Children
3 - Three Bedroom Condo
4 - Four Wheels
5 - Five Figure Salary
And indeed, that is why 'Singapore is solid'!
Malaysia? Well, Malaysia's Rules of Simple Living are the
following:
5 - Five Children
4 - Four Wives
3 - Three Figure Salary
2 - Two Wheels
1 - One-Storey Link House...
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One Of A Kind
Mahathir was so disappointed with his cabinet for being inefficient and corrupt that he decided to call on Goh Chok Tong and ask him how he managed to have such an efficient and uncorruptable cabinet.
On hearing Mahathir's woes, PM Goh said, 'Simple, Mahathir, I choose able men for my cabinet. ' Mahathir asked, 'Yes, but how do you know that they are able?' PM Goh replied, Just ask them simple questions to test their intelligence. They don't need to be too difficult. Let me illustrate to you.'
Just then, Tony Tan was walking by, PM Goh called out to him, 'Hey Tony, come over here.' Tony obediently walked briskly over. PM Goh asked, 'Tell me, Tony, who is your father's son ?'
Tony Tan immediately replied, 'Me! Of course.' PM Goh turned to Mahathir and said, 'See, all my ministers can answer this question. Why don't you go back and try.' Mahathir thank PM Goh and left.
Once he was back, he immediately summoned Anwar, his deputy, and shot the question at him, 'Tell me, Anwar, who is your father's son ?' Anwar was shocked beyond words and did not know the answer
After a while, he recovered and said, 'Boss, let me find out and I'll tell you tomorrow.' Mahathir, a bit disappointed, agreed, hoping that Anwar will give a good answer tomorrow.
Meanwhile, Anwar was panicking that his boss was testing him. He tried desperately to find out the answer from his staff, but none of them knew the answer. The next morning, he decided to call Bill Clinton for help.
Surely the most powerful person in the world must know the answer. When Bill picked up the phone, Anwar said, 'Hello, Bill, can I ask you a question?' Clinton, very busy, replied, 'Alright, but it better be good!' Anwar quickly asked, Tell me, who is your father's son ?'
Clinton was fuming, 'Of course its me, you stupid!' and he slammed the phone down
Satisfied that he got the answer, he confidently walked into Mahathir's office and said, 'Boss, I've got the answer to your question.'
Mahathir, happy that his deputy wasn't that dumb, said, 'So tell me quick, who is your father's son, Anwar?' Anwar confidently replied, 'It''s BILL CLINTON!'
Mahathir slapped his own forehead in disgust and said, No you stupid! It's TONY TAN!'
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Proton Cars
Dr M were meeting the other Asean leaders in KL. As the Proton (Wira and Perdana) sales were not going too well, he took the opportunity to do some hard sell to these guys.
Dr M: 'President Suharto, how many Protons will you be able to buy?' Suh.: '2000 is not a problem.'
Dr M (very happy): 'Thanks. President Ramos, how about you?'
Ramos: 'Deliver 5000 to Philipines next week.'
Dr M: 'Thanks for the support.'
Sultan Bolkiah (determined not to be outdone): 'Brunei roads can well afford another 10,000 Protons. Send them over next month.'
Dr M by now is very pleased that his hard sell is doing so well. Finally he turned to Goh Chok Tong.
Dr M: 'Mr Goh, how about you?'
Goh: 'I will take 500 cars, but with the special condition that they be painted in pink.'
Dr M: 'That is not a problem. But I wonder, why choose pink when we have so many other nice colours?'
Goh: 'That's because I have to find 500 suckers.'
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Say Cheese
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken to the first body.
'Clinton, 60, died of heart failure whilst in bed with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,' says the Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man. 'Suharto, 70, made a pile from government funds, and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.
'Nothing unusual here', thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.
Ah,' says the coroner. 'This is the most unusual one. Dr. Mahathir, 75, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
To which the coroner replies, 'He thought he was having his picture taken.'
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Miracle Failure
After he put Anwar in jail, Mahathir received a lot of criticism from different sources. Everything he did was sure to get the journalists and diplomats screaming at him about corruption and cronyism etc. Finally, he was so fed up that he called all the journalists and diplomats to Johor Bahru.
Now, for all of you, I'm going to do something which you all cannot complain about.' and he magically stepped onto the waters of the straits of johore and walked the full 1 km to the other side without falling into the water. The onlookers were amazed and Mahathir was sure he'd get some compliments in the news tomorrow.
The next day, Mahathir was shocked to find in newspapers across the planet
The Sun 'Mahathir Can't Swim'
The New York Times 'Mahathir crosses borders without going through immigration'
The Straits Times 'Mahathir uses propaganda to curry favour!
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